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I started out in an abusive household. My Dad and StepDad were Vietnam vets, and held such unprocessed grief and rage within them that often boiled over onto us. They had no clue as to how to express or heal themselves, only just the constant drumbeat from society to "get over it." Alcohol was their means of numbing out. Rage was the only way of giving voice to their pain. To add to this, my Dad was a true blue Narcissist.
Theater saved me, providing a safe place to process my own emotions, to be loud, to get messy. I followed the theater trail all the way to NYC, where I actually experienced solid success as an actress... until a deep, dark depression overtook me.
I couldn't understand my state. I had all the ingredients life tells you creates happiness: success, marriage, an awesome community, & vibrant health. And yet, I was anything but. What the f*ck, Life??? Why wasn't I happy?!
After years (people, years) of trying to fix it, something within told me to meditate. I had always been fascinated by spiritual study and practice, and I was out of answers on my own. I decided to meditate for 40 days straight. I didn't know why, it just felt right to me at the time. I committed to the path, and dove in head first.
Two weeks in, I had my very first mystical experience.
Time fell away.
My personality fell away.
All there was... was an overwhelming sense of peace and love.
It was infinite.
It was true.
It was pure.
And then it was gone.
HOLY BEJEEESUSSSSS, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!??
I was hooked. I was rabid. I wanted to get back there and know everything about that state!
I meditated every day for a year straight Within that year, I moved to Culver City, CA where I unknowingly stumbled into an internationally renowned spiritual center, Agape. All my questions found answers there. I became a faithful student and community servant for 9 years. I became a licensed practitioner, a meditation coach, and a prayer warrior.
I studied with bonafide modern mystics, I spent hundreds of hours in prayer and meditation and visioning… all expanding my absolute knowingness of my Divine nature, for myself and all. I woke up to energies and angels. I had mystical experiences out the wazoo.
But... I found a blind spot in my spiritual travels. No matter how much I grew in consciousness, no matter how supah spiritual I became, my human-ness still... was. I still failed, fell, forgot who I was. I still hurt inside and I shamed myself for not being able to pray it away. I had areas of my life that were complete chaos, and no vision board or mantra could balance it out.
I was bum-rushed by aspects of my human that were aching to be seen/heard/felt. A lifetime of core wounds surfaced for me to look at, feel, and dismantle. I had areas of my life that were complete chaos, I had woundings that were festering inside, and no vision board or prayer could make it go away. I could not meta my way out of it.
I finally had to learn how to be with and embrace my human-ness. Gulp.
Co-dependencies, childhood woundings, misery in my marriage. I had to look at a whole lotta junk in the trunk. And that wasn't even the tough part! The hardest aspect was that I was asked to be with it. I was asked to not turn away, but instead to... love it?! Yup, I was meant to learn the holiness of the human-ness.
Life brought me teachers galore: ecstatic dance, long hikes to feel my body (and my feelings), and lots o' unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.
I watched myself stumble and rise and fall (repeat Xs 1000). The chaos amplified, and then settled, and then rose up again. I was called to love myself right where I was... no matter what. NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!
I began to see, with crystal clarity, the absolute wonderment of the journey of awakening, and how loving our human-ness was the holy grail. It was/is the portal to everything. Transcending it only brings a type of spiritual numbness. To drop in deeply, to love yourself right where you are... in your filth and frailty. THAT'S when it all becomes holy and ALIVE in a way that can bring JOY even in your sorrows, peace, even in your desperation.
Loving my humanness was the answer, and I had been trying to escape it my whole life. Surrendering to it was my home, my salvation, and my ultimate freedom into states of true happiness. No matter fucking what.
My mission is to help you awaken into your highest, most expanded expression, and that is THROUGH the sacred, scary, messy animal of your human-ness.
All my offerings are here to help you LOVE YOUR HUMAN & TRUST THE PROCESS.
I hope to meet you somewhere along the way!
To your Filthy, Frail, Epic, Awe-inspiring Self...
Theater saved me, providing a safe place to process my own emotions, to be loud, to get messy. I followed the theater trail all the way to NYC, where I actually experienced solid success as an actress... until a deep, dark depression overtook me.
I couldn't understand my state. I had all the ingredients life tells you creates happiness: success, marriage, an awesome community, & vibrant health. And yet, I was anything but. What the f*ck, Life??? Why wasn't I happy?!
After years (people, years) of trying to fix it, something within told me to meditate. I had always been fascinated by spiritual study and practice, and I was out of answers on my own. I decided to meditate for 40 days straight. I didn't know why, it just felt right to me at the time. I committed to the path, and dove in head first.
Two weeks in, I had my very first mystical experience.
Time fell away.
My personality fell away.
All there was... was an overwhelming sense of peace and love.
It was infinite.
It was true.
It was pure.
And then it was gone.
HOLY BEJEEESUSSSSS, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!??
I was hooked. I was rabid. I wanted to get back there and know everything about that state!
I meditated every day for a year straight Within that year, I moved to Culver City, CA where I unknowingly stumbled into an internationally renowned spiritual center, Agape. All my questions found answers there. I became a faithful student and community servant for 9 years. I became a licensed practitioner, a meditation coach, and a prayer warrior.
I studied with bonafide modern mystics, I spent hundreds of hours in prayer and meditation and visioning… all expanding my absolute knowingness of my Divine nature, for myself and all. I woke up to energies and angels. I had mystical experiences out the wazoo.
But... I found a blind spot in my spiritual travels. No matter how much I grew in consciousness, no matter how supah spiritual I became, my human-ness still... was. I still failed, fell, forgot who I was. I still hurt inside and I shamed myself for not being able to pray it away. I had areas of my life that were complete chaos, and no vision board or mantra could balance it out.
I was bum-rushed by aspects of my human that were aching to be seen/heard/felt. A lifetime of core wounds surfaced for me to look at, feel, and dismantle. I had areas of my life that were complete chaos, I had woundings that were festering inside, and no vision board or prayer could make it go away. I could not meta my way out of it.
I finally had to learn how to be with and embrace my human-ness. Gulp.
Co-dependencies, childhood woundings, misery in my marriage. I had to look at a whole lotta junk in the trunk. And that wasn't even the tough part! The hardest aspect was that I was asked to be with it. I was asked to not turn away, but instead to... love it?! Yup, I was meant to learn the holiness of the human-ness.
Life brought me teachers galore: ecstatic dance, long hikes to feel my body (and my feelings), and lots o' unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.
I watched myself stumble and rise and fall (repeat Xs 1000). The chaos amplified, and then settled, and then rose up again. I was called to love myself right where I was... no matter what. NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!
I began to see, with crystal clarity, the absolute wonderment of the journey of awakening, and how loving our human-ness was the holy grail. It was/is the portal to everything. Transcending it only brings a type of spiritual numbness. To drop in deeply, to love yourself right where you are... in your filth and frailty. THAT'S when it all becomes holy and ALIVE in a way that can bring JOY even in your sorrows, peace, even in your desperation.
Loving my humanness was the answer, and I had been trying to escape it my whole life. Surrendering to it was my home, my salvation, and my ultimate freedom into states of true happiness. No matter fucking what.
My mission is to help you awaken into your highest, most expanded expression, and that is THROUGH the sacred, scary, messy animal of your human-ness.
All my offerings are here to help you LOVE YOUR HUMAN & TRUST THE PROCESS.
I hope to meet you somewhere along the way!
To your Filthy, Frail, Epic, Awe-inspiring Self...
