At 42, I learned how to experience and express healthy love. And it is better than I ever imagined. But first, I got dumped.
Our breakup was the wildest wave I’ve ever surfed.
I had an extremely difficult time coping with it all. The animal of my body seemed to experience it as a death. ”It’s just a break up. I’ve gone through this so many times. I’m good at getting over break ups! Why am I still grieving?”
I had so much support surrounding me… incredible friends, community, helpers, nature, a solid meditation practice, an ability to hear my guides. Still, though, the animal of my body wouldn’t stop grieving.
“This is my person. I know this. So why are we not together? Why couldn’t we make it work? Am I wrong? Did I do something wrong? Am I crazy?”
I began to notice that when I believed myself to be crazy, when I believed that my curriculum was to “just get over it and move forward,” the animal of my body protested with grief. However, when I let myself know what I knew, when I allowed myself to align with my own inner truth, the animal of my body calmed.
Seeing is believing. You’ve heard that phrase, yes? I was asked to flip that on it’s head, I was asked to believe what I was sensing without a scrap of evidence in the outer world.
Was I going to believe what the outside world was telling me? Or, was I going to believe my inner truth? Was I going to believe almost everything written about break-ups? Or, was I going to believe what I was hearing, feeling, and knowing in my meditation time? It was a daily struggle, one that took me a while to understand. But, ultimately (and of course), I chose to believe in my inner truth.
THIS WAS MASSIVE! I didn’t realize it at the time, but this singular choice was the pinnacle of a lifelong healing. Co-dependency, Fawn Trauma Response, Anxious Attachment Style, these are all things I learned in childhood and then struggled with in adulthood… all are 100% focused on THE OTHER PERSON/OUTSIDE WORLD. This kept me safe as a child, but kept me in a perpetual cycle of imbalanced relationships as an adult. But in this moment, I chose me. I chose to anchor my sense of safety and security, my answers and my truth, not to another… but to MY INNER WORLD.
The set-up was sublime. I high-five my guides and higher self (who seemingly arranged this li’ diddy). I wanted healthy love so badly, I was willing to do almost anything for it… including staying with the curriculum all the way to the bitter end, when I had no other choice, no other way out of the pain, but to choose me.
A life-long pattern snapped in two. Choosing me felt like I had finally connected to something solid and unwavering. I felt a deep kind of peace. And wouldn’t ya know… the animal of my human started to feel happy again.
A few weeks after this, Marco re-appeared. Something had changed. My heart was so much softer. His, too. All the things we had fought over, suddenly seemed so insignificant. I no longer needed him to “see something” or to “fix something” in oder to save our relationship, or give me a false sense of security. I had chosen me, so, I had everything I needed. He got to be himself, and I got to be myself, and that was actually what we loved the most.
Over the next few months, we talked it out, and fell in love even more deeply. Whatever Love Super Bowl we had been playing out finally completed itself. Our ego edges had been sufficiently sand-blasted down, our hearts sufficiently cracked open. We had found our way out of the game. And it had always been about Love.
The feeling I had was so weird. I had never felt it before. It was all encompassing, it was grounded, it was loving, and it didn’t carry with it an anxious fear, an egoic agenda, or any distorted expectation… it was pure.
It was healthy love.
Our break up had taken me to the deepest levels of loving and honoring me. Marco re-entered my life as the reflection of THAT level of self-love. I carry these lessons with me to this day. Anytime we get into conflict, I honor my heart, I honor my feelings and needs, I listen to what is whispering to me from the depths of my inner knowing. I could not be in this REALationship without this… it wouldn’t work. No matter how challenging it was to move through the first year of our togetherness, it transformed me completely into this more whole version of myself. Because I allowed it to. And it was worth every step.
I guarantee you, that whatever relationship curriculum you find yourself in now… the answer is love. And no, not the “turn the other cheek” and sacrifice yourself kind of love… but REAL LOVE. It begins and ends with you. Is real love asking you to draw boundaries, to stand firm in your inner knowing, to break wide open, to tear down the walls of the past, to reveal your true self?
How is Love seeking to grow and know more of itself AS YOU? That is your answer. And that is the beginning of your very own healthy love story.