Updated: Feb 2, 2021
I got truly, deeply, purely happy at 39.
This wasn’t a “blink of an eye” kind of happy. This was a step by step process of learning what it was that made me happy, giving myself permission to pursue it, and then living in the increased states of inner peace and happiness that bloomed as a result.
With each choice to discover what delighted me, and to pursue that wholeheartedly, I freed myself from my codependent patterns and I learned more of my authentic self.
I found out I loved kirtan and ecstatic dance. After having done seated meditation for years, I found an explosion of God-connection through song and movement.
I moved from LA to the Blue Ridge Mountains, and got to remember how much my soul delights in rivers and waterfalls.
I spent hours on the phone with my conscious girlfriends, dissecting our dating lives to discover where we were stuck in limited thinking, not-enough-ness, or just plain ole’ inauthentic BS.
I took workshops that thrilled me: Mary Magdalene, Intimacy, Tantra, & Non-Violent Communication.
I had hard conversations with a friend. I saw unhealthy patterns that felt terrifying to communicate, but I did it anyway. I spoke up in the name of learning to do better, learning to be authentic no matter what, learning to have healthy communication.
I had a lover. Like, a bonafide lover. One who was there for playfulness and pleasure, and nothing more. It was so liberating!
Through this pursuit of happiness and authenticity, I was actually amplifying LOVE itself, from the inside out. The false ideas of
love that I inherited from my father could not hold in this newer frequency… they had to let go.
Instead I learned higher truths about love….
Love is inclusive of Self. (so I get to have feelings and needs!)
Love compromises situations, not core values of self.
Love honors boundaries. (so I’m safe to draw them!)
Love honors one’s feelings and needs. (even if the other person can’t meet them)
Love is not about what you do, it’s about who you are.
Love doesn’t rescue, love holds space (for the other person to work out their own stuff.)
Love allows for both light and shadow. (the more I embraced my own shadow, the more I felt safe to let that shadow be seen… #realintimacy)
My relationships began to take on a deeper kind of connection. My friendships had more room for authentic communication. My clients got a deeper, more present version of me.
And I was … well, I was just plain ole’ happy.