Updated: Feb 2, 2021
I got divorced at 36.
At the time, I remember feeling pretty solid in my sense of self, and guessing that an amazing and deeply committed “spiritual partnership” was right around the corner 😂
Instead there was 1.) Hot, young dude, 2.) Polyamorous dude, 3.) Older dude who just got out of a 30 year marriage, and 4.) Dude that didn’t really want a relationship (which was basically all of them).
From where I sit now, it was no surprise that I kept calling in these types of "relationships"... but at the time, I was so confused. I thought I was loving so fully, why were these relationships so painful and unfulfilling? I was loving fully, but in an imbalanced way that had no chance of creating true intimacy.
I thought love was about what I could give to the other person (cue overblown sense of responsibility).
I thought love was about forgiveness ( me forgiving them, without including accountability in the mix).
I thought love was about how good I made the other person feel (without paying attention to or being able to communicate how I was really feeling) .
My Father, bless him, was an alcoholic, and a narcissist. I had learned about love from a very wounded being, and those teachings were ingrained deeply in my subconscious. Through each unhealthy relationship, more and more of that patterning surfaced for my awareness, and for my healing. It was painful to look at. Turns out that most everything I thought about love…. was distorted. There was some good stuff in that mix, but there was mostly a whole lotta imbalance (and codependency, helloooo!).
I had to muddle through that curriculum time and time again until I could no longer stand the experience of feeling so depleted, unfulfilled, and frustrated. Finally, I didn’t want that feeling anymore, I wanted love to feel expansive, liberating, and nurturing. I wanted healthy love.
Something had to change.
Of course, that something was me. I had to change so much of what I knew about love, and it began by understanding and loving myself more deeply.
What I want o say to you today, is that LOVE will find YOU! If you are calling in unhealthy relationship dynamics, and if you are ready to create a different experience…. if you are willing to see the truth about yourself and your woundings, if you are willing to know something more, if you are willing to know more of real, healthy love… then LOVE will find YOU. The perfect book, the most healing workshops and practitioners, the most perfectly timed podcast episode…. it will find you.