Updated: Apr 18
The relationship before I met Marco *felt like* the most unhealthy relationship I had ever had.
But here's the thing...It felt like that, because I was finally *aware* of how distorted and unhealthy it was. Aware of the co-dependent/narcissistic pattern. Aware of all the ways I was repeating my wounding like a broken record.
Although it was brief, it was profound. It was profound in that for the first time, I was in the pattern, and acutely aware of it.
That didn’t stop it from hurting, though. It hurt like hell… and it was illogical how much it hurt. The hurt didn’t match
The hurt wasn’t because it was some profound love, it was because of the ancient wound inside me that was donedoneDONE. The pain was actually feeling the full effect of the wound. No running away, no numbing out. I was feeling it fully.
"This is me. I can't blame this other person. I created this. This pattern within me created this."
I had reached my bottom.
Rock bottom hurts. The pain of waking up, and knowing exactly where you are, exactly how far you are from the light at the top… and yet still being there… ouch.
I had my first experience of pleading with my guides to jump the planet. I had done SO MUCH work to heal this area of my life, and yet I found myself here again. If I couldn’t have a loving, healthy partnership, I wanted out.
I often find myself saying in sessions, “awareness is 90% of the game!” The path getting to the awareness is the long, hard slog. Once you have awareness of something, the shift is already happening, the transformation is on its way!
I left the relationship. I chose me.
Unlike the years before, when I was stepped in the work, I didn’t do much after that relationship, but enjoy myself. I knew the pattern, I knew the root, I knew the vision of what I wanted to create instead. The awareness did the work. I didn’t do long, arduous ceremonies like I had done countless times before. I didn’t create love-vision boards. I just loved me, and let that awareness deepen and do it’s thing.
Life brought in a few curriculums to help that awareness take root, to show me all the ways I could choose to *not* repeat the pattern of my wounding. It required some soul-muscles, but something had shifted. I was stronger, more clear. I kept choosing to do differently, and it got a bit easier each time. It might sound heavy, but I was actually feeling really light and vibrant at that time. I was climbing the ladder, up from the bottom, getting closer to the light.
And then, 9 months later (oooooh the symbolism there)… I met Marco.
I couldn’t have met Marco 5 years before… not a year before, not even a day before. I was ready to meet Marco on the day we met :-) The learning, the core-wound unwinding, the healing, the self-loving… all that I experienced in the year(s) leading up to meeting Marco, was exactly what I needed TO meet Marco.
This relationship is more than I ever thought was possible. It is healthy, loving, supportive, magical and enormously expansive. Once I was in it, I could see that I had to grow a massive amount to line up with all that I experience and all that I enjoy within this partnership. No wonder it took so dang long! I was right where I was supposed to be the entire time. And it was worth every painful, wound-unraveling step.
>> And so, I would like for you to know that… <<
If you are in a painful relationship… do not despair! Instead, choose to wake up. You might be closer than you imagine to the healthy love you seek. Keep diving deep into the messages from your soul. Be willing to see the inner wounding that keeps you engaged. Be brave enough to see your part, and courageous enough to walk away when it is time. (*Please leave immediately if you are in an abusive or dangerous situation... you can do the work while your body and heart are safe.)
If you have yet to meet your most delicious love-partner… you are right on time. You are not off course. You are not failing. Stay the course. Nourish your desires. Let Life show you the way.
If you feel a deep desire for partnership, and a deep pain over not having it in your life yet… stay the course, nourish your desire… Life knows your heart… your prayer has already been answered…. you are in the perfect process and on the perfect path.
Now go love on your amazing self! <3